It's Too Late, James
by avengellie
Summary: Alright, I'm rewriting a fic I kind of abandoned a while ago, so here we go! Riley had known James all her life, and had loved him since they were eleven. But all that time, James had loved Lily. Finally, she just couldn't handle the pain and decides to end it all. But when things don't exactly go her way, will things still be the same? Would she even want them to


Leaning on the windowsill, I watched him get rejected. Again.

Rejected by that snob. The one who's supposed to be so _pretty_, so _amazing_ and _lovely_. I don't really see it, to be honest. She's just a cow. A big, stuck-up _cow_.

Of course, he shrugs it off. His other friends were laughing, as per the norm. I say "other" because I'm his friend, too. His_ best_ friend, to be exact. Or… Best female friend, anyway. Sirius is his best guy friend.

Lily Evans walks off, her body tense with anger. I lean more against the window, my cheek against the cold glass. _'Oh, James._' He's laughing and joking with his friends, but I see him cast a longing glance in her direction. If only he'd look at me that way.

Honestly, I can't believe I even think of her in such a hateful way. I like to think I'm a nice person, usually. Just… The way she rejects him- treats him like he's nothing without so much as a second thought. She doesn't care about him, and never will. _'James…_' I sigh and breathe on the glass before tracing a heart in the mist, drawing 'J.P.' in the center. My finger is freezing, my cheek going numb against the glass, but I barely notice.

I look back down at James as he launches a snowball at Severus. Sirius is laughing. As much as I love them, I really wish they'd leave Severus alone, sometimes.

After that, a full-on snowball fight starts, the Slytherins siding against Gryffindors. I straighten my back with a sigh. I know I should go join them. Have some fun. I glance down at what I'm wearing and laugh softly. Only a thin t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Hardly the proper clothes for snowball fights. Turning my attention back out the window, I see the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws starting to join in the fight, siding with Gryffindor. That's the way it goes, I guess. Everyone knows the Slytherins are pretty much on their own. Half the time, you won't even see a second-year Slytherin stick-up for a first year Slytherin: despite their loyalty. It's different in the other houses. I guess that's why Slytherin produces so many Death Eaters. I'm ashamed to think it, but I suppose it's true. They're pureblooded and venomous with it.

James sends a snowball flying at _her._ (Or maybe I should say "Her," like it has a capital letter at the beginning, and is special, like James says.) She looks like she's yelling at him, so I push the window open with slight interest, to see if I could hear them.

"-And just because you're James Potter does _not_ mean you're allowed to harass every girl you see!" she screams, red hair flying.

"Evans, I don't harass _every_ girl I see," he calls, sounding injured. "You know you're the only one for me." He adds, placing his hand over his heart and grinning at her stupidly. Damn. If only he'd say that to me… I sigh again and watch her reaction.

"In your _dreams_, Potter." He looks injured again.

"How can you say that? I know one day we'll be together!" he cries dramatically. "Lily Evans, will you be mine?" She laughs, eyes flashing cruelly.

"No way." That's twice in under a half hour. He looks heart-broken, but only for a second then shrugs.

"One day you'll be."

"How's life on planet 'You Wish'?" she asks, voice high with amusement. I shut the window and gritted my teeth, sinking to the floor and let out a groan, closing my eyes. Her face swims in front of me and I growl. She's a bitch. A cold-hearted, cruel, evil bitch. I hate her. Doesn't she see how much he means it? How much it actually breaks his heart when she rejects him time and time again?

Obviously not. I wriggle my toes and draw my bare knees up to my chin. I get up slowly after a while, and lean against the wall for an endless moment, just standing there looking at the snowflakes falling down past the window. Falling… Like the tears I hadn't been aware I was crying. I sigh as I start unpacking my stuff. One more year. Just one. I never realized seventh year would feel so melancholy…

I bite my lip as I dig through my trunk, eventually finding my photo album. Sinking to my knees I open it hesitantly to the first page. A pair of beaming chocolate-covered three-year-olds grin up at me. James' dark hair had just been cut in this picture and he's laughing and smearing more chocolate onto my long light-brown hair. I'm squealing and protesting but laughing at the same time.

I flip the pages, stopping randomly. This time we're seven. James is waving his dad's wand around and whoever's holding the camera is protesting feebly about it. I'm sitting on the floor, watching James and laughing. Even at such a young age, you can see the hero worship in my eyes. I flip through more pages. This time when I stop, we're ten. Frank Longbottom is there too. James is standing on a tree stump, laughing and talking. I'm shaking my head but laughing, my eyes sparkling. Frank is throwing and catching a ball, laughing whole-heartedly.

A few pages on, we're eleven and just boarding the Hogwarts Express. I see the puppy-like love for James in my eyes already. But in this picture, I can see the dissatisfaction and slight hurt. Sirius is laughing and shaking his head. I remember: that was when James saw Lily and turned to me and Sirius, grinning and jerking his thumb back at her. He had said "That's the girl I'm going to marry." They met Snape and Lily a few minutes later when I had gone to the bathroom. They made fun of Snape and jeered at Lily, but James was already in awe of her.

I sniffle, staring at the picture. I flick through a whole bunch of pages until I get to my favorite- taken when James and I were fifteen years-old. We've got our arms around one another and I'm leaning my head on his shoulder, laughing at something he's just said. He's grinning, his eyes sparkling with laughter and mischief. My eyes shine as I look at him, but as usual, he doesn't notice the loving spark in them. I've been in love with him since I was eleven. Six years. And all of that time, he's loved Lily Evans.

Love is so unfair. Unpredictable. James says him and Lily are meant to be together. That it's fate, or destiny or both. I wonder.

Lily and her friend Alice come in, gossiping about something-or-other.

"Yeah, but…" Lily begins, a look of dissatisfaction on her face. She goes quiet when she notices me and Annie places a hand on her arm comfortingly.

"Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel."

But the thing about the lights at the end of tunnels? They're always oncoming trains.

I get up and leave, walking past Alice and Lily and eventually out of the common room. Wandering aimlessly, I find myself walking past a Muggle Studies classroom where they seemed to be talking about moral issues.

"Should euthanasia be legal, although suicide is illegal?" I hear the teacher say and I laugh out loud. Of course suicide is legal. It's not like you can give a dead body a life-sentence. A morbid thought, but I guess I'm full of them nowadays. I look up as an owl lands near me and studies me. I sigh and hold out my arm and it flies onto it, offering the letter. I take it and recognize James' writing at once and I can't help but laugh. He hasn't seen me in what, four days? And he's sending me owls. Sometimes I'm amazed at his laziness. He could come find me, surely? I tear it open.

_Riley, dearest friend_

_How are you? No, wait – where are you?_

_I'm going to put up missing posters soon._

_Come back to me. Dude, the Common Room misses your sarcasm and loveliness._

_Yeah, alright, I miss you as well!_

_Padfoot says get back here or he'll 'come for you'. Not sure what he means there, but it's vulgar, knowing him._

_Moony says he misses you terribly, but that you probably want 'alone time'… Uh, what?_

_Wormtail's being completely dense. I think he needs more female company._

_James – remember me?_

I laugh, putting the letter in my pocket and head back to the Common Room. I say the password cheerily, and step inside to find James giving Lily puppy eyes.

"C'mon – I said I was sorry! You know you love me." She shakes her head but I can see slight amusement in her eyes.

"I have detention because of you, Potter!" she stalks off to her dorm room. James' eyes are wistful as they follow her. We're all slaves to love in the end.

The next afternoon I'm leaning on the wall, holding my broomstick and laughing at something James just said. He's laughing too, tossing the snitch in the air and catching it again. He's in such a good mood he even ignores Snape when he walks past. Then he catches sight of Lily and Alice and his eyes light up. I frown slightly. Lily's been more and more civil with James today. It's weird, but James of course doesn't mind. He's been ecstatic about it. What do you do when you love someone so much it kills you to see them loving someone else, but it also kills you to see them unhappy?

"Hey, Evans!" He shouts and she looks up at him with sardonic amusement in her eyes.

"Well done for winning the game, I guess," she says, walking over to him with a short laugh and he grins at her.

"Yeah, well, there'll be plenty more victories where I'm going." He boasts.

"Where's that – the commentators' box?" She asks, but her voice is nowhere near as full of venom as it was a year ago (or even _yesterday_). I watch, curious. He looks offended.

"No, catching the Snitch! And you'll be cheering me on, as my faithful girlfriend."

"Well, I'd hardly be _unfaithful_, would I?" She sighs, rolling her eyes as he frowns at her.

"No, I guess not… So, Evans, how about it? Will you go out with me?"

"You'll have to stop calling me Evans," she retorts, lightly.

I think the whole world stops breathing in that moment. James just stares at her.

"What – really?"

"I guess persistence pays off, huh?" She says, with a wry smile. James drops his broom and whoops for joy, throwing his fists in the air. He suddenly swoops her into a hug. She's laughing, and in that one instant, my heart is crushed.

Life is a game, but there are no winners. Love is just a way to kill yourself without dying. Depression is just a way of saying you're never gonna be happy again- at least in this lifetime.

You can't spell 'life' without 'lie', and that's what it's full of. Friends stab you in the back, enemies stab you in the front, strangers stab you in the stomach, but love? Love stabs you in the heart.

If you love something, you let it go, right? And if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. But how can I possibly let him go, knowing he won't come back?

A silent tear trickles down my cheek as I watch James. I can't stand to stay any longer. Tightly gripping my broom, I turn and leave. I steal a short glance behind me as I reach the door and James is looking at me. But it's only for a second before he turns away from me. To Lily. He kisses her cheek goofily and she laughs again before kissing his lips sweetly.

I felt something inside of me snap.

It's this. The final push. The point where reality hits me and drives into my heart like a shard of ice. And finally, I can't deal with it.

I run back to my room, hot tears threatening to fall, and write to James for the last time.

I sit on the edge of the highest Astronomy tower, now, swinging my legs slowly before the tears finally start. He's got Lily now. He's got his reason for living, and finally, I've completely lost mine.

I shuffle closer to the edge, my tears freezing and drying on my face as the wind blows harshly against my skin. I can almost hear voices in it: telling me to leave, that I'm not wanted.

"If it comes back to you, it's yours," I sigh, repeating the old phrase and standing from my perch. "But he's never coming back to me."

I close my eyes, feeling the wind hit my face.

I think of James.

And I jump.


End file.
